Here’s a list of things I feel like parenting must be. I’ve been tragically blocked from parenthood. I feel often the pain of loss of being separated from my son, and I don’t often express it. I hope one day he will read what I’ve written and be better able to understand my struggle.
Parenting is the inevitable catastrophe that will ruin you forever, no longer perfect in the world’s eyes. Even if that means a splinter or a love unrequited, you will feel pain. To a parent, this is the first failure we experience. I could be happily cooking some bacon on a lazy Saturday morning, and you could be bitten by the angry suffering of a bit of airborne grease, destined to ruin your life forever. Or at least 3 minutes.
Parenting is the joy of seeing you take your first steps, seeing you fail for the first time, and realizing there’s so much of that in everyone’s life. We all fail so very many times. Parenting is seeing our children fail, seeing them suffer through the challenges of defeat, and only in rare occasions seeing them triumph. Parenting is the agony of terrible defeat, to gravity, to metal, to lost love. No one can prevent your inevitable crushing defeat, to any of dozens of possible threats. Parenting is gracefully acknowledging the possibility that your children will epically fail. Parenting is knowing you can’t ever stop them from certain strife, that you may not be able to protect them from mortal blade. Parenting is loss from the very start.
For fortunate parents, the experience is seamless, like taking your first steps as a child. For those of us less fortunate souls, it’s the echo in a mirror, the recap in a text message. That’s the best visibility we get into the lives of those we love. I spend my life protecting someone I barely know. I want to know him so much more than I will ever have opportunity to achieve. I still remember the way he smelled as a baby, all those nights when I held him close to me, rocking him and singing to him. No one can ever rob me of the memory of holding my son on my chest as we both slept.
“If I should die this very moment, I wouldn’t fear. For I’ve never known completeness like being here. Wrapped in the warmth of you, loving every breath of you. Still my heart this moment, oh it might burn. Could we stay right here till the end of time, till the earth stops turning? Wanna love you till the seas run dry.”
“All this time I’ve loved you and never known your face. All this time I’ve missed you and searched this human race. Here is true peace. Here, my heart knows calm.”
I always feel joy when thinking of children. I don’t always feel it when thinking of my own child, but the idea of children always fills my heart with warmth. In this way, parenting is the never-ending quest of the paladin. The white knight seeks justice and peace for all. In many ways, that is the calling of the parent, ever vigilant in the futile attempt to protect our children from themselves and the world.