Get Married or Break Up or Maybe Something Else Entirely

I didn’t think it would hurt this much. When I told her I wanted to marry her the first time, she smiled and thought I was being dramatic. Maybe I didn’t mean it. Maybe it was a raw expression of emotions I didn’t understand. I didn’t have a ring. I didn’t propose. I just told her in the best words I had that she means the world to me. She always will.

This time, it was different. I had a ring. And I meant it. More than I’ve ever meant anything in my life. I’ve been married and divorced, yet I’ve never loved someone so much. Sure, it wasn’t a ring for her finger. It was a beautiful handmade bracelet a good friend gave me from India. I knew it was foolish to buy her a traditional ring, partly because I’m broke right now and spending my last remaining cash on a ring would mean she gets a decoder ring from a cereal box. More, it was a matter of simple facts. I’m moving to San Francisco, and she lives in the Other Bay Area, 3500 miles away.

I’m not sure what hurts more – the fact that we will be so far apart or her reaction when I gave her the bracelet and told her I want to marry her, but it’s not going to happen now, maybe not ever. It felt like she said yes to a question I didn’t ask. She kissed me with a passion I have rarely experienced with her.

We had only recently broken up. She said I love her too much, so much that it’s overwhelming. She thinks I’ve made a series of bad choices with employment, and she’s probably right. She doesn’t like it when she feels like I take better care of her than myself. Then, I told her I was taking a job at a great company in SF and would be moving within the month. I guess that was what she needed to hear to remind herself how much she loves me. We can’t be together now, but we’ve never been closer. The connection we feel with each other is stronger and more robust than ever.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I hope not, for her sake. I fear if I love her any more than I already do, she will dissolve into the brilliant light of my heart and be lost forever. Still, I walk the city streets, taking pictures, find examples of thing she would love. I only send her one in ten because I don’t want my intensity to be her burden. I also don’t want to tease her with a life of adventures she shares only by digital proxy.

For now, our lives diverge. Like paths in a Robert Frost poem, it’s bittersweet and beautiful.

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2 thoughts on “Get Married or Break Up or Maybe Something Else Entirely

  1. I’m sorry for the loss of your relationship. 😦 I hope the distance ends up being healing. I hope you find someone who can accept your showing of love, because you aren’t “loving too much.” There’s really no such thing, though I do understand that being shown so much love can feel overwhelming.

    If you are treating others better than you treat yourself, I hope you’ll use some of your time to change that. You deserved to be treated the best, even by yourself.

    With the job thing, perhaps you have made mistakes, but they easily could have worked out too. I admire you for taking the risks you do. I hope this move and this new job turns out to be a good fit.

    Take care of yourself while you grieve and heal… ❤

    1. Thanks 🙂

      I don’t feel it as a loss. More like layaway (probably a joke or two in there), like I gained a beautiful thing, and I don’t get to have it right now.

      As for the treating myself well, it’s always a matter of perspective. I give her the better seat at the movies, the better cut of steak when we have a meal together. I’ve always felt confused by her sentiment on this topic, actually. I feel like I take great care of my basic needs, and I am humble in my expectations of anything beyond that. Maybe she has trouble communicating her true feelings, and it comes out as criticism. Certainly, it’s overwhelming, to both of us. I guess I’ve just known this intensity all my life and she’s only had a year to figure it out.

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